RACE .. or .. NOT !!!

I watched "Race" the bollywood movie of the month (so it appears from the newspaper and mouth-to-mouth reviews). I wonder why did I watch it in the first place? - mostly, because my friend here - Shukan, he managed to download the entire movie off the net in the *.flv* format. Some blogsite (in fact it is this : Race FLV Source) had all the files, and enthusiastic that he was, he actually downloaded all. I started watching it at some ungodly hour of night - it must have been 2 or 3 ish. May be because of my mental state (read drowsy) or may be because the movie was actually bad, I did not like it at all ! People have been talking about the way its shot, its plot, the grafical techniques (SFX) they have used and of course the cast - a lot. I did not find it that amusing - in fact not at all.

Ok, so the movie is about 3 guys and 3 girls trying to give us some realtime bolly-ishtyle phun. The plot - how it appeared to me - is a simple mathematical matrix overlap of three different equally pathetic stories. The intermediate co-ordinates of the matrix are calibrated so as to attain some degree of suspense in the movie - or in other words, ispecial bolly-"kahani mein twist" ! There's nothing great about the turning points, as they become quite predictable. After a so called climax, the movie reaches it anticlimax very quickly - where the characters are used to unravel the mysteries in the plot. What I don't understand is that why do they have to use the actual narration by every character to untangle the mystery ? Why can't they just keep it simple and interlace it within the story or "visual experience" itself? Let me explain - You remember Ocean's 11? The way they have treated the untangling of the plot? It's a breathtakingly beautiful treatment to the story and it does enough justice to the pace of the movie as well as the integrity of every character. I think in Bollywood they prefer it the other way so that they get to utilize their overpriced stars well. Actually, there are few good example from the bollywood movies too, that have a better treatment to the mystic element - the three examples that I can recollect well are - 1. Samay (Sushmita Sen) and 2. Ab Tak Chappan (Nana Paterkar) and 3. Sarkaar (Ramu, AB & AB Co.). These are much much better movies according to my opinion.

Anyways, now that the agony and anger is off my mind, moving on to the story. So, there's Akshay Khanna and Saif Ali Khan - the jodi of Ram and Bharat ("sautele" hein !) and then there's Mr. Anil Kapoor (who - I am really suprised - is still standing on his own feet - after all he's been in bollywood as long as Shivsena hasn't been in the driving seat in Maharashtra (that is besides the point - but it's good to let it off once in a while :P)). Then there are these three bollywood dolls - Bips (aka Bipasha Basu - the Bidi fame), Katz (aka Katrina Kaif - the "err something with Akshay Kumar" fame) and Sam (aka Sameera Reddy - the "nothing really substantial" fame). There's Johnny Lever too and there are lots of Horses. I genuinely applauded when some horse or mare (I have no clue how to separate the two .. but still - after all it's the era where men and women are equals) gave a brilliant performance, either at the race or some stable. (I donno why .. but I am straying from the subject a lot - i think even I am bitten by the bollywood story-writer's bug .. darn ! pardon moi ..)

Haan, so .. it's Saif n Bips (or Katz) and Akki n Katz (or Bips) : and this is exactly the whole essence of the movie and about the turning points - yeah, so god damn unpredictable ! *phewww* Anil, Sam n Jonny are on the side plate - you take them you don't, it hardly matters ! The story goes around like this - There's a small guy (Akki) and a Big guy (Saif). Small guy hates to be small (its has nothing to do with his "bedside" manners .. you pervert !) .. and the Big buy gives no rat's ass. The small guy wants to beat the big one in their "race of life" (.. Ohh so sophomoric !) So, he ends up killing the big rat (or NOT) and hogs his insurance money (or NOT) .. and that too a whopping 50 Cr (Chaayla ! Kuthun aantaat asle baap!!! .. sorry I had to do that in Marathi !) In between, to take care of the legal matters small guy marries Bips (or NOT) and the Big guy marries Katz (or NOT) - another turning point ! (Yayyy ! to the writer !). There comes the good cop (or NOT) - Anil and his irritatingly dumb bimbo secretary - Sam. The film makers have also managed to squeeze in few innuendoes like "yeh ganna le aur choos", "yeh le kela aur baith" etc. etc. Now, this is really sad - I mean either be bold (like mira nair (I wonder what happened to Shantaram production?) perhaps or may be american pie) or don't ! Please don't give us your pathetic attempt of showing the controlled indian vulgarity. In real life too no body makes such lewd passes at their secretaries (at least I haven't seen many) - they either bed them or they don't. (pardon me for being so direct - this is for Ms. Sharmila who loves to cut!)

The climax is even more pathetic. The big guy (remember he dies or may be NOT) challenges the small guy for one ultimate race in their life - a car race. He exchanges his sports car with his brother's ordinary one saying that the car does not matter, what matters is who's driving it. Although partly true, but a Schumacher is never a fastest driver in the F1 history without a well-engineered and well-maintained car - but I will give it to them for the emotional edge they have added to the dialogue. Now, this is funny - both can't break ! Small guy is a smarty pants - he's disabled the brakes in his car (which our man shumacher is driving) and Mr. Shummi has implanted a bomb in his sports car (or NOT) (which the squealing rat is driving). The squealer manages to flame himself and Katz (Ohh, Katz you shouldn't have signed this movie - can't see you burning and all :P) and Mr. Shummi - the ever so alert and ahead of the game guy - manages to penetrate through the flames, bang on a line of water-filled drums at the end of the tunnel - that are so meticulously arranged at the very edge of a cliff - and save his beautiful bhabhi (bips) (remember the squealer may or may NOT have been married to bips) along with all the insurance money enough to feed his next 10 generations or so. In all this mess the cop - Mr. Anil - turns out to be Shummi's friend and makes his buck. Tadhaaaa ! You are at the end of the movie - called RACE (or NOT .. bwahhahhhh!) !!!

The special effects - yes, how can I NOT mention that !
1. Saif in accident : His car turning over an uncontrolled trailer and doing a well orchestrated somersault - the usual stuff!
2. Saif and Akki in a car and trying to kill a guy in another car : Their car intersects the path of this guy's car and goes ahead. Saif pulls the trigger, the bomb goes off and the guy's dead. Both of them look back, all happy - that their triggering device that they made in their garage - works ! - I think they haven't heard of the term "Contract Killers" in that part of South Africa or may be they fancy an alternative career possibility ! Special effects : the usual stuff!
3. Bips pushes saif off the edge (oops I let out a secret!) : This is really funny ! The way they have done this - in their "Ohh look we brought the american SFX experts and created this amazing 50 lac worth techno scene, we are so going to hollywood" way - it still (despite of the best efforts of that poor SFX chap) reminds me of some *important & notable* scenes from the spooky TV serial - "Aahat". Bips you should think about an alternate career too. Aahat producers - read : A new spooky-starlet rising !

So, that's pretty much about it. Now you tell me what is so great about the movie and why the hell I waste good half an hour of my life writing about it? What you know - it feels good ... that it's out of my system .. that such movies continue to make it worth the wait and money for good movies like - Namesake, Ab Tak Chappan, Sarkaar, Samay, Ek Haseena thi, Omkara, Taare Zameen par, Being Cyrus, 15th Park Avenue, Mr. and Mrs. Iyer, Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi, Black Friday et. al.